Sprout's first photo shoot!

Baby's head is on the right side and the two little things sticking out on either side of the rounded part on the left are its little leg buds!  Obviously he or she doesn't look much like a baby yet, but I'm excited to see how much he or she has grown and changed by our next ultrasound on the 20th!  

I'm so in love with little Sprout already.  I can't wait to bring our baby home in July and enjoy being a family of 3!

Great News!

We had an ultrasound today.  I'm 7 weeks, 1 day.  Everything went perfectly.  I was extremely excited but also a little anxious about how it would go.  We saw the heartbeat, it was at 149 bpm, which is perfect!!  We saw where the brain is developing, where the spinal cord is developing, and the beginning of little legs!  It was so neat and amazing that we could see so much on our little baby who is just the size of a blueberry. I'm really excited to see how much more we can see when we go to our OB on the 20th!

This is going to be short and sweet!  I'm about to take a bath and head to bed in a little bit.  My days are significantly better if I am in bed by 8 or 8:30.  So... I'll have enough time to get cozy and warm in the bath, read a little from The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy (a GREAT buy, by the way), and then off to bed by 8!  It's a good thing I have such a wonderful, caring, and helpful husband to help around the house!  He's absolutely amazing and is going to be the best daddy that I know!

The Cat is Out of The Bag... Sort of.

Well!!  We did officially cave and tell our families this past week!  It was so much fun surprising them with gifts and seeing the shock on their faces!  We told our parents and our sisters but my BIL will have to wait until his package arrives in the mail later this week... I'm sure he's very curious about what is in this mysterious package!

Our dads got t shirts that said "Great Dads Get Promoted to Grandpa".  Our moms got a picture frame with a First Grandchild Poem.  We gave our sisters calendars and told them we wrote all the important dates (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) on them and suggested they check it out to make sure they saw what was written on July 27!  For my BIL we got a bottle open made out of bike parts and put a note on it saying "To open a celebratory beer..." then inside an envelope is a picture of a little t-shirt we bought that says "I'm a Hawkeye just like my uncle".  His reaction will be interesting... Mostly because he's not a Hawkeye but rather a diehard Cyclone, but of course our kid will not be wearing red and yellow!  I can't wait until his package arrives and then all of our family members will know!  For now it's our little family secret... We don't want to start spreading the word to everyone else until Christmas/New Years time when I'm about 10 weeks.

It's definitely starting to feel a little bit more real!

A Slight Scare...

This weekend I had a really sharp pain inside my left hip (the same side I ovulated from) and then had it again this morning.  When I experienced it this morning it was really intense, to the point where I couldn't get comfortable and was unable to take deep breaths, and it lasted a little over an hour.  I tried to ignore it but after it had been gone for a few hours I decided that I should probably go ahead and call my RE's office.  Sure enough, after talking to the nurse and having the nurse call me back after talking to the doctor, they would like to see me first thing tomorrow morning.

My concern is that it could potentially be ectopic.  I asked the nurse if she believed that that would also be the concern.  Fortunately she said that it's most likely too early for a pregnancy to be large enough to cause pain if it is in my tube and often times ectopic pregnancies are accompanied by consistent spotting and dizziness.  I'm not spotting, nor am I dizzy... However, I'm still exhausted!  The nurse said that what I'm most likely experiencing is ovary pain, possibly caused by a cyst or enlargement for some reason.

I'm going in at 7:30 for blood work.  Based on what I've read online (I know, I probably shouldn't have googled) my HCG level would be too low for this stage if it was ectopic.  I'm also having an ultrasound following my blood draw and will hopefully have the results of my blood test by the time my ultrasound is done.  My husband is suppose to work tomorrow but I'm hoping he can sneak away for the ultrasound.  I would really hate for him to miss our first ultrasound and I also want him there for two reasons.  Without him I think it's kind of sad and depressing, plus I would like him there just incase it isn't good news...  I'm trying not to worry and hoping that I sleep well and tomorrow morning comes quickly!

Giving Thanks

With Thanksgiving quickly approaching I've been thinking about all the things that I am thankful for.  Honestly, I wouldn't feel this way had our most recent IUI not worked.  I would be bitter, angry, and sad.  But here we are, pregnant, and enjoying every minute of it!  It still hasn't completely sunk in.  I found out one week ago today that we were finally and officially expecting and still I'm having a hard time believing it.  We only have 19 more days (ha, "only") until our first ultrasound.  I can't wait!  I am so excited to see our little Sprout and know that I'm going to cry like a baby and at that moment it'll really start to sink in!  Of course 19 days seems like an eternity.

Anyways, back to the reason why I began this post...
Here are the biggest things I'm thankful for this year.

1. I am thankful for my husband.  He is by far the most amazing person I have ever met in my life.  I never thought I could love someone so much.  I still get extremely excited when he walks in the door after a long day of work, or when he comes home from running an errand in which I saw him right before he left.  Unfortunately, I love him so much and enjoy him so much that I can't not smile when I look at him when I'm really, really upset with him!  Oh, well.  :)

2. I am thankful for our home.  There is nothing better than coming home after a long day of work and walking into a place that is filled with our hard work and love.  We both lived in many different apartments throughout college and no matter what you do or how hard you try an apartment can never fully be a home the way a place of your very own can.  I'm proud of our home and can't wait to redo the "baby's room" and actually turn it into the baby's room.  With that, I'm thankful that we have a home to bring our baby.  I look forward to experiencing all of our firsts as parents and our baby's firsts in this home.

3. I am thankful to be pregnant (4 weeks, 3 days pregnant to be exact).  I was beginning to doubt that this moment would ever happen for me.  Call me dramatic if you want, but deep down I was feeling incredibly defeated and worn out.  It broke my heart every time I got another negative and I saw another month come and go.  I am so happy right now.  I hope these next several weeks are ones that we never forget.  While most people might believe that your firsts as parents come when you bring your baby home, I believe your firsts as parents begin the moment you find out your pregnant.  For the first time we "looked" at baby stuff with the intention of thinking about what we will purchase for our baby as opposed to what we would want to purchase for our hypothetical baby.  We will experience our first ultrasound in a few weeks and experience the joy of telling our families for the first time come Christmas.  I am completely in love with and thankful for this baby.

4.  I am thankful to have a job that I love (most days).  As much as I love my students and do thoroughly enjoy seeing them everyday I also really enjoy my days off and my breaks.  I couldn't imagine having to wake up and go to a job that I hate day after day or even a job that I was just ok with.  My coworkers are amazing, my students are wonderful, and I feel like I'm doing something important and necessary everyday.

5. Lastly, I'm thankful to be happy once again.  The last few months made me feel increasingly depressed and defeated.  Now, I'm feeling myself again and I am so thankful for that...

Our first BFP!!!!

It's official!!!  I'm finally pregnant!!! We got our first BFP on Saturday (November 13th).  As of today I'm 3 weeks, 5 days.  I am happy, excited, thrilled, ecstatic...  I could go on all day!  Of course there's a tiny voice inside of me saying, "Slow down, it's still very early."  But damnit, I don't care!  This was well deserved and long awaited.

I called my doctor's office today and I have my first prenatal appointment and ultrasound on December 9th.  At that time we'll be able to see our little Sprout, make sure everything is progressing as it should be, and possibly even hear the heartbeat!  I'm still in complete shock!  It's so hard to believe that I'm finally pregnant.  I've been feeling great and the only symptom I've had so far is some cramping and stretching in my abdomen.

We've decided that we're going to wait to tell our families until Christmas (then we'll tell friends after our families know).  We found some cute shirts that say "Great Dads get Promoted to Grandpa" that we're going to buy for our dads and then we think we're going to get our moms "Grandma" picture frames if we can find some.  We haven't decided what we're going to do for our sisters and my BIL yet but we'll come up with something.  Our plan is to wrap the gifts up and give everyone their "surprise" gifts at the same time.  I can't wait!  It's going to be so much fun and so exciting, especially because they don't know that we've been trying!


So, what did it take for us to get pregnant, you ask?

Here goes...

8 1/2 Months of TTC
4 Doctors (1 PA, 1 OB-GYN, 2 REs)
5 Months of Clomid (50 mg)
1 HSG
11(+) Blood Draws
Lots of Tears and Frustration
Many Negative Pregnancy Tests
2 Months of Acupuncture
1 Ovidrel Trigger Shot
1 IUI
1 Serving of Pineapple Daily (1dpiui - 10dpiui)
1 Glass of Grape Juice Daily (1dpiui - 10dpiui)
2 BFNs Preceded by 5 BFPs!!!

Mix that up in a bowl with a little optimism and a whole lot of hope and voila!  My eggo is preggo! :)

We couldn't be more excited and have had so much fun researching baby gear.  It's so different to be looking at baby gear knowing that we'll actually by buying it soon!

I'm going to go treat myself to a nice long, hot bubble bath!

Accept That Challenge That is Ours

For a while today I was actually feeling pretty optimistic and excited about this cycle.  I was looking forward to testing this weekend and a teeny, tiny part of me thought that it might actually come up positive.  

And then my reality sunk in.  Do I honestly think that 1 fairly simple procedure is going to be our answer?  Well, no.  As much as I really want to believe deep down and wholeheartedly that this is going to be our answer I just can't seem to convince myself that it's going to work.

I came across a beautiful quote this evening that I really like.

"I hope we can be happy where we are, be grateful for our blessings now, here accept that challenge that is ours and make the most of it, and not be envious of others." - Ezra Taft Benson I think these are words that I need to live by.  It's time for me to embrace this shitty challenge that has been handed to me, be grateful for what I do have, and stop being envious of others.  I can't help but feel a pang every time I see a newborn or a pregnant woman.  I feel it every time I log on facebook to see the newest pregnancy update, birth announcement, or "x days until baby's due date".  When I see someone announcing or mentioning their 2nd or 3rd pregnancy I can't help but think, "At least you already have a child." And, "Why should you get to have a second baby when I can't even have one?"  Perhaps it's time for me to stop comparing myself and where I am to the next person.   I just need to get through tomorrow and then hopefully Saturday morning will bring the answer I've been waiting for.

Edit

Ramblings...

I've been reflecting on our entire journey a lot lately, as opposed to just thinking about last month's failure and trying to find the hope needed to get to next month. (Yes, I almost said "next month's failure.)

Thinking back 9 months to my "pre-conception" appointment.  I remember discussing our plan to start trying with my doctor and she had asked me what our worst case scenario would be.  Naturally, I said, "Well, worst case scenario we get pregnant next month (March) and I find out in May that my job is cut."  I wish now that I would have said, "Worst case scenario would be that we can't get pregnant."  Boy was I naive!  If only I knew at that point that I would be here, at this point.

I recently pointed out to our husband that now that we've been trying for 8 months exactly half of our marriage has been spent trying to have a baby.  Great.  Dare I say it again?  I thought this was suppose to be easy!  (OK, OK, not "easy" but definitely not quite so "difficult".)

So here we are, 8 1/2 months later...  Still no closer to having a baby now than we were back then.  The only difference is that I was so full of hope and promise nearly 9 months ago.  I know there are many woman out there that have tried significantly longer than we have but we've also really been trying for the full 8 months, including 6 of those months with constant doctors appointments, meds, and blood draws.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  Just because it's "only" been 8 months it doesn't change how I feel.  It does not change the fact that I thought we were going to either have a baby by Christmas or would be getting all kinds of baby gifts for Christmas.  Now, at best, we could announce our pregnancy at Christmas, although it's a little earlier than I'd prefer to announce it.

I'm also sick of people telling me that I have time because I'm young.  There's no need to tell me I'm young.  I'm fully aware of my age and fully aware that, unless something horrible happens, I've got plenty of years left.  Once again... It doesn't change how I feel.  It doesn't change the fact that my heart breaks a little more each time I hear someone else announce their pregnancy or the birth of their new baby.

I'm so over people telling me to relax and that if I relax it'll happen.  Really?  I had no idea that you were a fortune teller or the holder of the world's biggest secrets!  Put yourself in my shoes, with my emotions, frustrations, and pain and then tell me to relax.  I'm certainly not stressed all the time nor am I "relaxed" but I'm continuously conscious of my lack of success.  You telling me to relax (all together now) doesn't change how I feel.

If I think back to the very beginning of our journey of deciding for sure that we wanted to start trying... It would be one year ago next month.  It was December when we made the decision to start our family.  We knew we wanted to wait a few months and didn't want to jump right on it.  It gave us some time to really think it through so we know that we were 100% ready and it gave us some time start mentally preparing ourselves for what lies ahead.  I remember being at my in-laws over Christmas last year and feeling over the moon with giddiness.  My husband and I had this amazing, awesome secret and by this time next year it would no longer be a secret but an exciting chapter for all of our family.  I remember how those first few weeks after deciding that we wanted to start trying seemed to drag on very slowly.  I just wanted the time to come for us to start trying and to start planning.

I feel completely different now.  I wish I still felt that way.  Ignorance is bliss, right?  Perhaps I'd cry myself to sleep much less and not get the awful pain in my heart every time I saw a newborn.

Now here we are... 1 year later.  Still without a baby but yet so much is different.  The way I feel every day is different.  The way I look at our spare bedroom and think about our home is different.  Even thinking about the holidays is different.  I love this time of year.  I love Thanksgiving and Christmas and look forward to the holiday season every year.  The only year in my entire life that I remember dreading the holiday season was the year my brother passed away.  That's how I feel this year.  I'd prefer to skip right over Thanksgiving and Christmas (unless this IUI actually works, of course) and start 2011.

The last few months I've been exhausted all the time and a complete bum.  I have very little motivation to do anything on the weekends or after working a long day at work.  For a while I attributed it to work and needing a nice long break to reenergize.  Then I had a 2 week fall break and went back to work and I still feel exhausted.  Next I decided to blame it on the clomid.  I asked a few girls from my forum if they had a similar s/e and many of them said that clomid zapped them of all their energy.  But can I really blame the clomid (which I take cd3-7) on the exhaustion that I'm still feeling at the very end of my cycle?

So this brings me to my newest conclusion.  Trying to have a baby has taken all of my energy.  I have none.  I'm exhausted all the time and do nothing but think about going to bed starting at 6:30 pm every night until I finally do go to bed.  This has taken all of my energy, both physically and emotionally.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of the disappointment.  I'm tired of the heartache.  I'm tired of seeing everyone's babies pop up first thing when I sign on facebook.  I'm tired of hearing about other woman who are pregnant while I'm still left behind.  I'm just plain tired.

I've brought up the thought of telling our families at Thanksgiving if this IUI doesn't work.  I've brought it up several times and each time my husband basically says no.  I feel like he isn't even listening to me anymore.  Which makes me feel that much more alone and isolated.  I want to tell them because I'm tired of tip toeing around and feeling overwhelmed watching what I say around our families.  This is what I think about all day long.  I'm ready to talk about it with my family.  I know there will be added pressure and there will be questions, but I'm also not afraid to tell them to back off if it comes to that.  I need a little more support than what I'm getting right now.  My husband tries but he also gets sick of hearing about it... I can tell.  It's obvious in his tone and the way he straight up avoids such conversations sometimes.

I guess it's too early to lose all hope that this IUI will work out.  I was so excited about the idea of an IUI last month because I knew it would help overcome some of the obstacles that are standing in our way.  I just wish I felt as optimistic now as I did about a month ago.  If we're lucky and blessed enough then this IUI will work out and everything that I just spent the last half hour rambling about will become one giant moot point.  That's what would happen in an ideal world, but instead I feel like my life is just one big self loathing pity party right now.

But... It still might work!

This has got to be it!

I'm 3dpiui (days post IUI) and have no idea how I'm going to make it through the next 7+ days.  This has got to work!  I'm so ready to start planning and prepping for our little addition.  I've spent the last 8 months researching all kinds of baby gear... Cribs, bottles, carseats, strollers, etc, etc.  I've also spent the last 8 months researching early pregnancy symptoms, phases of pregnancy, what to expect each month, etc, etc.  I think I'm ready.  (Not to mention the fact that I've been taking my temperature everyday for exactly 138 days at precisely 5:30 am.)

We'll be able to do 1, possibly 2 more IUIs this year if necessary.  If that doesn't work then we will just be trying on our own and will be hoping for the best.  There's no way that an IVF is anywhere in our near future, nor do I want to entertain the idea of IVF at this time.

I'm hoping this is our month and 9 months from now we'll officially be a family.

Argh!

After the way I felt yesterday I thought for sure that, while this 2ww would be long and torturous like most of them are, I would continue to feel great and optimistic about this month.  Unfortunately, today I feel like crying.  I'm a little worried that I might have ovulated much earlier than what we anticipated with the Ovidrel shot and therefor our IUI would have been too late.  I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

I guess in the mean time I'll try to stay positive and keep the crying to a minimum.

Good Thoughts!

Good news!  My emotional roller coaster is currently up on the top of the hill! (And hopefully will be staying up this time.)  We had our second RE appointment today to discuss the results of my blood work and to plan our IUI.  I assumed that I wouldn't have any good looking follicles yet and that I'd have to come back for regular monitoring throughout the week and eventually do the trigger shot.

Well, surprise, surprise!  I had 2 follicles that looked great.  One was at 19 mm and one at 21 mm, they want to see somewhere between 18 and 22.  My lining also looked great so I got the prescription for the Ovidrel trigger shot and get to do it tonight.  That means that our IUI is planned for Wednesday morning!  I'm so excited and once again feeling very positive.  As I've said before, I really hope this is our month.  The hope is that by doing the IUI we will bypass many of the issues we've had that have been holding us back.

My first (and hopefully only) self administered Ovidrel Shot.  

On a completely different note.  I got really annoyed this afternoon at dismissal time when families were picking up our students.  One family was parked in front of the school waiting for someone.  They had the side door open to the van so I could see where they had a baby, maybe 6 months old, in a rear-facing infant car seat facing forward.  The seat looked so old that I'm sure by now the safety ratings on it are expired.  Then to add insult to injury the mom, in an attempt to get the baby to stop crying, handed her the tiny remnants of her sucker!  REALLY???!!!!  You gave your infant baby a sucker?  A sucker?

Ok... I'm going to stop there before this becomes a tirade.  If she can have a baby then I most certainly deserve to have a baby, too!

Feeling Craptastic

My next RE appointment is in two days... November 1st, also the day that marks 8 full months of trying.  Normally I get really excited about my appointments and more optimistic as they get closer.  However, I still feel hopeless.  I'm telling myself that I need to be optimistic and that it's time to get excited about this cycle, but no matter how often I give myself pep-talks I still feel down.

I've cried at least once everyday for the past 12 days.  Some days I cried multiple times and other days I forced myself to not cry multiple times.  This process is suppose to be fun and exciting but instead it's making me feel angry, sad, and lonely day after day.

Maybe I'll feel better after leaving my appointment on Monday.

Awaiting our Next RE Appointment

We have our next appointment with the RE on Monday, November 1st.  Right now I'm not feeling very optimistic...  I'm hoping that after meeting with the RE on Monday and getting a plan in place for our IUI I'll be more excited but for now I feel pretty hopeless.  As much as I'd like to believe that it will happen for us right now I simply have no hope.  I'm sure it will return with time, but for now I'm feeling very defeated and crushed.

The Infertility Closet

As of Friday night/Saturday morning I thought I was OK and had jumped back on the Train Of Optimism. And then Saturday afternoon came...

We had several friends in town this weekend for our yearly college friend "reunion" tailgate.  It's so nice to find a weekend that we can get most of our friends together and I have been looking forward to this weekend for several weeks.  The weekend started off great, I was having a great time and really enjoying having our friends here.  Then Saturday afternoon one girl showed up and her and her husband felt the need to announce (again and again) that she was expecting their second baby but the kicker is that they said they just found out on Tuesday.  Of course she finds out she's pregnant on the day I found out I'm not.  When this girl first found out we were having troubles she did what she normally does and said the absolute wrong thing.  She went on and on about how her and her husband must be really fertile and they got pregnant on the first try.  Some people just shouldn't be allowed to talk.  

I might have gone to the restroom for a few minutes to have a moment and shed a few tears.  And I thought I was doing better.  Who am I kidding?  My heart feels broken and I'm depressed most of the day.  I can't get thoughts about pregnancy, babies, or IF out of my mind.  The last 7 1/2 months have turned my world upside down.  I'm a very open person, talking is my therapy.  No one wants to hear about IF.  No one wants to hear about my doctor's appointments, b/w, online forum, what CD I'm on, details of AF, when I'd be due "if" this is our month, etc. etc.  Do you see where I'm going with this?

Our families still don't know we're trying.  I'm secretive at times, simply because I don't want my SIL or my sister to catch wind of what's going on, but yet it's all I want to talk about.  

I'm ready to come out of the infertility closet.  As soon as we either (a) get pregnant or (b) decide to tell our families people are going to be forced to listen to me.  I hate that I'm stuck inside such a taboo topic and am ready to come clean.  

It's officially over.

Yesterday was a very long day.  Today really wasn't much better.

I called my OB's office Monday morning to ask if I could come in for blood work since my period was late and I had been having a few symptoms.  I was feeling very fatigued, had lower back aches and strange cramping in my uterus, and was very nauseated on Sunday.  I had taken at least 7 HPTs, all of which were negative, but was still holding out hope.  I was beginning to think that since the OPKs never worked for me that there was a chance that the HPTs weren't either.  So I had my blood drawn on Monday afternoon.

I knew the results would be in sometime Tuesday.  I called first thing and was told the nurse would call me back.  Tuesday morning I had a slight dip in my temp but it was still up, more or less.  Of course I missed the nurse's call and she left a message wanting me to call her back.  I assumed if it was good news she would have just left a message like I requested.  I should have prepared myself at that point.

I finally was able to get ahold of her (after playing phone tag all day) around 2:30.  She told me that while my hormones looked good (ha!) the pregnancy test came back negative.  I wanted to cry at that moment but held it together because I had 17 third graders working away at their desks in my classroom.  I called my husband to fill him in and finally told him I had to get off the phone or I was going to cry.  I had a little over an hour of my day left before my students went home.  I had at least two kids ask why my eyes were watery and the rest clearly knew something was up.  I couldn't even get a sentence out to the secretary (wanting her to pass on to my principal that I needed to leave) before I started crying.

I came home and cried some more.  Went to acupuncture, let me just say that I love my acupuncturist she's absolutely wonderful, where I cried some more, I cried on my way home, and on and off for the rest of the night until I finally fell asleep.  I cried silently beside my husband this morning when I woke up as I realized that yes, yesterday did indeed happen and yes, I am still living in this nightmare.

This past weekend we bought some children's books for "the baby", I started making suggestions about when to start buying furniture, and we saw our first glimmer of hope that this might actually and finally be happening for us.  With that I tortured myself further, discovering via an online due date calculator, that we would have been due on our 2nd anniversary.  All the stars were aligned.  What happened?

My period showed up today so it is officially over.  We'll be working with the RE this month that we met for the first time a few weeks ago.  As excited I am to move on, I am also very sad.  I thoroughly enjoy my OB and would like to stay with her.  We'll be doing an IUI this month which will mean much more time (and therefore stress) and much more money.  Hopefully the end result will be a baby... Hopefully.

The last couple months I've felt pretty good.  This month I've been extremely optimistic.  Now I feel the same way I did a few months ago when I cried the entire way to work because I had a temperature dip.  I still don't understand why this is happening to us.  I don't understand what I did that is so horrible that I should feel like I'm being punished.  As much as my husband wants a baby he also is ok not having one anytime soon.  This makes me sad.  I don't want us to have a baby because it's what I want.  I don't want him to go forward with treatments and procedures just because it's what I want.  I'm not saying he doesn't want this, he is simply ok if it takes longer than expected.  But he's also informed me that while he can wait, he hates seeing me so upset and wants to move forward to the next step because of the way I'm feeling.  I love him and I love that he doesn't want to see me hurt, but at the same time I want him to want this just as bad as I do.

The best way to describe it is that I feel like I've lost a baby.  I know plenty of people would think I'm crazy and that is fine, but this is how I feel.  I was already bonding with something that I never truly had.  Once again, I'm grieving the loss of nothing.

Last night I got a text from a friend letting me know that he's here for me if I need him.  As much as I love and appreciate this I was also frustrated.  He can't possibly understand what I'm going through.  We started trying before him and his wife and his baby is due in a little over 2 months.

My heart is broken right now.  I'm sure I'll be fine in a few days, or at least I can hope that I will be.  I'm ready to get off this emotional roller coaster and just bring home our baby.  That's all I'm asking...  Am I really asking too much?

I'm 13 dpo, temps still up, but another negative hpt this morning.

October 15th, A Day of Loss

I read a post last night from another blog I follow, Petals Honoring Infant and Pregnancy Loses Today - October 15, and thought, "Huh, how ironic."  Exactly three years ago on October 15th I lost my brother to depression.  He took his own life and it's safe to say that our lives haven't been the same since.

I really appreciated that in My Hopeful Journey's blog post she mentioned that pregnancy loss includes those of us who haven't been able to achieve pregnancy because we have experienced loss, too.  I can't explain how much that touched me and how much I truly appreciate being recognized as someone who has experienced loss.  Of course I know my pregnancy "loss" isn't nearly as heartbreaking or devastating as someone's actual loss, but I still grieve.

Back to my initial reaction to the article.  I had decided earlier this week that if my temp was still up and still hadn't seen AF then I would test Friday night...  Then I realized Friday is the anniversary of my brother's death.  So, naturally, I thought that this must have been part of his big plan all along.  A way for me to no longer attach pain to October 15th, but instead remember it as a bitter-sweet day.  A day for me to grieve and feel the pain of my brother's death but also remember it as the day that we first found out we were pregnant.  I had convinced myself that Friday would be the day!  And low and behold... It wasn't.  Surprise, surprise.  I tested again this morning and..... drum roll, please.... Still.... Negative.  Actually, as negative as it can possibly get.  I realize it's still too early to tell but my heart is breaking a little more with each negative test.

Perhaps tomorrow will bring good news.

Dear Weekend...

Dear Weekend,
Please come faster!!  I just want to know already!!
Love,
Melissa

Short, Sweet, and To The Point!

I had my cd 21 (technically 22) b/w last Friday.  Normally I am counting down the seconds to Monday morning so I can call first thing and get my results.  Shockingly, it didn't even cross my mind until last night  after the office had closed.  So I called today and my progesterone was a 22 (they look for a 15), which she said was a very good number.  I was a little paranoid that it was lower than my levels last month but the nurse said that doesn't matter.  

So now what, you ask.  Well... We wait.  You'd think that one would get better at "the wait" over time but quite frankly it still sucks and takes just as long as the first 2ww I ever found myself in!  Argh!!!  

AF would show up on either Thursday or Friday...  So, if nothing by Friday night then I will definitely be taking a test and hoping for the best!!

Thinking positive baby thoughts for me!

Daddy is Dreamin'!

And by Daddy I actually mean "Daddy".  I came home from a long day of work, followed by on ob-gyn appointment and blood work (I should know my progesterone levels on Monday when I called) and was really excited to spend a few minutes with my husband before he left for work for the night.

I was telling him about this really vivid,  crazy and kind of sad dream I had early this morning and then he told me he had a dream today too!  He dreamt that I was pregnant with twins!!  :)  (2 boys, if he remembered right)  I said it must be a sign that we've both had dreams about twins!

I'm on cd 22... So... I should know by next weekend if we are finally pregnant or I'll be calling our RE to set up blood work appointments and finding out what our course will be for an IUI.  I'm still hopeful that this is our month so I'm trying not to think about IF we we have to move on to an IUI...  I'm just telling myself, "This is our month, this is our month!"

Things are looking up... I hope!

I'm still feeling hopeful this is our month.  Last Friday (9/24)I had an HSG and my tubes and uterus looked great.  I didn't have any blockage or build up at all.  This was a relief but at the same time a little tiny bit frustrating.  I think my husband and I were secretly hoping for a slight blockage that would be cleared out by the dye and therefor be the cause of us not conceiving up to this point.  Then, in a perfect world, the dye would clear the blockage and we would get pregnant with ease.  (I can hope, right?)  I shouldn't complain, and believe me I'm not.  I was ecstatic to hear that everything looked good and it wasn't as painful as I was expecting.

We also had our first appointment with an RE on Monday (9/27).  I wanted to discuss with an RE what some next steps would be if this isn't our month.  This is our fourth month of clomid, 50 mg, and the way I see it there's no point in continuing something that clearly isn't working.  Luckily the doctor wants to move forward too, if this isn't our month.  (Which I'm still hoping it is!!!!)  He said that at some point, after 3 to 4 months of doing the same thing, it doesn't benefit us anymore than it did the previous month but instead the effectiveness begins to level off.  The plan is to do an IUI next month if this isn't our month.  If this isn't our month then I need to call on cd1 and set up an appointment to have blood work (and possibly an ultrasound, I think) on cd 2 or 3.  They will do a few additional tests with the bw that I haven't had done yet.  Then we'll continue to use the OPKs (assuming they work this month) and then when I have a LH surge I'll call and my husband will go in first and then I'll go in about an hour or two later... Welcome to modern day baby making!

I started acupuncture on Tuesday and will continue it weekly for the next few weeks.  A lot of what I've been reading online and heard from other woman tends to point to acupuncture as a great treatment plan for infertility.  I really like the lady that did my acupuncture work and look forward to working with her regularly.  I also had a massage last week and one scheduled for next week.  My plan is to destress as much as possible in hopes that it'll bring us what we've been waiting for!  With all of these steps and the time I've had off for fall intercession the last 2 weeks I've been feeling really optimistic.  My husband is saying he is really optimistic that this is our month, too.  I'm hoping this is how he genuinely feels and that he's not just saying it to make me feel better.  He said the cutest thing the other day.  He was working on my car in the garage and I dropped in to see how it was coming and he goes, "Ya know, I was wondering, if we got pregnant this month, how far along would you be at Christmas?"  He was thinking about how we could surprise our families with gifts at Christmas telling them that we are expecting.  At that point I'd be about 3 months pregnant so it might be hard to keep it a secret until then, but it was definitely a fun thought! :)

I'm hoping this is our month.  I know I'm going to be crushed if it isn't.  I've felt very optimistic this month and for the first time in several months I've actually been excited about this whole process and been able to focus on the excitement that will come with our first positive pregnancy test.  I've been thinking a lot lately about how I will surprise my husband.  A few months ago I asked DH if he wanted me to wait until he came home from work to take a test and he suggested I go ahead so that I can surprise him if it's positive.  I'm really looking forward to the day when I get to surprise him with such an exciting and long awaited BFP!

Happy Birthday To Me!

Several months ago I agreed with myself that it would be ok if I was pregnant by my birthday.  I decided that would be ok and I can wait a few more months for that BFP if it meant it'd be a birthday surprise.  Well, obviously that isn't happening, but other good things are!  I have my HSG scheduled for Friday morning.   I'm excited about it because I'm ready to get more answers, but with that I'm also slightly terrified that they are going to give me devastating news.  I'm trying not to think about it too much; Friday morning will be here before I know it and I'll either get good news or bad news then!

Along with that we have our first RE appointment on Monday!!  My doctor's office called me to schedule a post-coital and after asking a few questions she decided it was time to make a referral.  I'm excited to meet with a specialist and see what our next steps will be IF this isn't our month (but I'm still hoping this is our month!!!)  I'm also having my first acupuncture treatment on Tuesday (my birthday).  It's something I had been thinking about for a few months but the last time I brought it up to my hubby he suggested waiting and that it didn't seem necessary yet.  When one of his coworkers got pregnant after 15 months of trying, she told DH that they had tried acupuncture and the HSG the month she got pregnant.  With that news DH was fully supportive of me trying acupuncture.

We also spent some time talking about how the time since we started TTC has flown by when we look back on it.  Of course every day seems like it drags and each week feels incredibly long, but the fact that we've been at this for almost 7 months is hard to believe.  Yet at the same time I feel like this has been going on FOREVER!!!

I'm looking forward to the next several days, between our appointments and moving forward, and just having some good quality time to spend with my husband!!

Do dreams hold our future?

Early this morning I woke up after having an amazing and vivid dream.  I was dreaming that my husband and I were bringing twins home from the hospital, a baby boy and baby girl.  Of course I've had plenty of baby dreams, as it's the last thing on my mind when I go to bed and the first thing on my mind when I wake up.  But this one was different.  I could actually feel the excitement and happiness in my dream and it completely carried over when I woke up.  Everything about it was so clear and vivid and everything made sense.  It seems that very rarely do dreams make 100% complete sense, there is always something different or strange about it.  This was not the case.  There was no confusion, just complete happiness.  I even saw their faces, which has never happened in a dream before.  Of course I can't recall that part completely but I do remember feeling so much joy and love when looking at them...

Then later on this morning my sister-in-law came upstairs and we were making small talk and chatting about the Food Network show we were watching... Out of the blue she asked, "Have you ever had a dream really early in the morning so you remember everything and it's extremely vivid?"  We weren't talking about dreams or anything close; it was completely out of the blue.

Perhaps the next few months will have amazing things in store for us.  I sure hope so!

Third time is NOT the charm!

AF surprised me yesterday.  I'm doing surprisingly well considering another month has come and gone and we are still sitting in the same place we've been.  Babyless.  I think the reason I'm doing OK with this is that we're moving forward with some next steps.  I'm in the process of scheduling my HSG test to check my tubes and will have a post-coital test soon, too.  The post-coital will tell us if we need to move to IUI or not.  Even if it doesn't show that we need an IUI for success I think I'm still going to push for it.  The success rate is only 25%, which is up from a success rate of about 20% for TI.  That makes me slightly nervous because I know I'll expect it to work on the first time and will be disappointed if it doesn't, but it's worth a try!

I've recently considered telling my mom what's been going on.  My husband and I spent a lot of time talking about different ways that we might surprise our families when we tell them we are expecting.  This is the only reason why I don't want to tell my mom.  I really, really look forward to having it be a complete surprise, but at the same time I feel that it would be helpful to just talk to my mom about it.  At the same time (I know, I'm all over the place here) I'm worried that she'll either say the wrong thing and stress me out more or constantly ask me about it, which would just add on the pressure that I've already put on myself.  We'll see... I go back and forth so much.

On another note, I don't think I've had a chance yet to say how amazing my husband is.  Yes, I vent about him and get frustrated with him, as every wife does with her husband I'm sure, but I do love him very much.  He's by far the most amazing person in my life and my best friend.  I feel so blessed and lucky to have found such an amazing person to spend the rest of my life with.  I can't say enough good things about him!

Am I always waiting?

Well... I had bw last Friday and all went well.  My progesterone was 28, which is great, and I was able to meet with my doctor for the first time in a few months.  She was extremely optimistic and thinks that this month is my month.  I haven't decided if I feel that's a good thing or not... I'm not sure I need anyone helping to build up my optimism, only for it to come crashing down.  Anyways, the appointment went on and we discussed some future steps.  Since clomid has drastically effected my cm we might be looking at IUI as an option for either October or November.  Wow, November...  Weren't we just in February preparing for starting to conceive and thinking we'd be putting the final touches on a nursery by now?

Along with potentially looking at IUI as an option I will also be having an HSG test, IF this month isn't our month.  The HSG involves injecting dye into my uterus and tubes and looking at it with an x-ray to see if there is any blockage.  My doctor did mention that often times if there is slight blockage the HSG can clear it out, therefore having a therapeutic effect.  But it'll be a few more days until we know if we'll be moving forward with our next steps or if we'll be buying all of those baby books that we casually look at when we are in Barnes and Noble.

Of course I promised myself this month that I would not break down and test unless AF was last.  Ha!  Who am I kidding?  Do I really think that I am that patient?  Of course not, deep down I knew I'd cave.  Earlier this week I wasn't feeling well.  I was extremely exhausted and overall feeling pretty crappy.  I started thinking, "Hmm, perhaps this means good things are happening!"  And then I had horrible sinus congestion and a sore throat and am now starting to feel slightly better and less tired.  Why can't I get a cold when I'm waiting for ovulation... Why does my body have to play cruel jokes on my mind and my heart and get sick during the anxiety filled 2WW that I'm in?  So, as my story goes I caved and tested last night only to come in contact with yet another BFN.  Surprise, surprise!  But I was only on CD27 so there just might be an itty bitty, teeny tiny chance that I've tested too early.  Just maybe...  I guess we'll wait and see.  After all, waiting has become my forte...  You'd think I'd be better at it by now.

(imported from previous blog)

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2010

Missing the wishing...

It's official.  I miss the days of being excited, not being able to sleep, and feeling like we have so much to look forward to.  We used to talk about when we have a baby and all the exciting things that we would do as a family.  Now it's if we have a baby, if we can ever, get pregnant...

I'm just trying to stay hopeful.  If not for myself then for my husband.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 24, 2010

Third time's the charm!

I've officially started my third round of clomid....  Third time's the charm, right?

Hello, optimism... Thank you for reentering my life!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 20, 2010

The temperature doesn't lie...  My unwelcomed, monthly visitor showed up again.  On to another month of trying.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 19, 2010

Why me?

Remember that optimism I talked about yesterday?  It was squashed by three little numbers that spelled out "failure, disappointment, and heartbreak" on a stupid digit thermometer.  The last few months of charting I've had a significant dip in my temp before a complete nosedive followed by my period.  Sure enough, I had that same, dreaded dip this morning.  So I did exactly what any baby crazed woman who is slipping into a world of (inner) isolation of baby obsessive behavior would do...  I stayed in bed a little longer and cried.  After an internal argument with myself about whether to call in sick to work or suck it up I finally made it to the shower... Where I cried some more.  (And yes, I cried a third, fourth, and fifth time on my way to work.)

There's a term I've seen come up again and again in the IF (ugh, never thought I'd be using that term) world...  Isolated.  That's exactly how feel.  I know my husband is disappointed with every passing month, but Mr. Optimism turns right around all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed ready to try again!  It takes me a bit longer...  I feel the need to grieve.  Cry, eat junk food, then not eat, sleep, hide in bed.  But grieve for what?  Can you really grieve something that you never had to begin with?  This is where the isolation comes in.  My own emotions have me confused.  I want to talk, I want to cry...  I want to hide in my bedroom by myself, I want to be surrounded by friends.  Perhaps it's the isolation that has brought me here.  I'm not a blogger and I never kept a journal or diary, but I feel the need to take everything that is circling in my head and get it out.  I don't want to talk to someone about it... I just want to put it out there in this black hole that is the internet.  Now these words can hang suspended in a place where someone may or may not see them.  But at least they aren't in my head driving me crazy.

I feel alone in this journey even though I know full well that I'm not.  I think it's safe to say that the men in our lives, however wonderful and amazing they may be, just can't completely get it...  And that's OK.  I need my husband to be optimistic and to buy me ice-cream and oreos when I'm sulking and to send flowers to me at work when he knows I had a particularly horrible start to my day.  But I still feel isolated.  I don't want a "cycle buddy" for fear that this new friend will have success and I won't.

This October will mark the fourth anniversary of when my brother passed away.  He took his own life and had suffered from depression for several years.  I miss him everyday.  I missed him when we announced to our families that we were engaged.  I missed him at my college graduation.  I missed him at my wedding.  I miss him now.  I know I'll miss him the day we can finally surprise our families with the announcement that I'm pregnant.  I'll miss him even more when each of my family members holds our baby for the first time, knowing that he would have been an amazing and very proud uncle.

Shortly after his death I began to question my faith.  I was raised very catholic, as was my husband, and married into the catholic church.  I don't think that it's my brother's death that made me question my faith, but rather made me think more deeply about my beliefs.  I had already began to question "God".  Yes, I believe in a higher power of some sort but just not the Catholic's version of that being.  I already knew I highly disagreed with many things the church believed and valued.  My brother became my "God".  I don't know the last time I prayed to anyone or anything but my brother.  He's helped me through some difficult times.  He gave me a wonderful experience shortly after his death that let me know he was here with me.  I've always believed in heaven and I've always believed that he has made it there.  I've never question my belief in heaven (or at least some sort of afterlife).  Not only because I have a hard time believing that when you die your life just ends, but I also find comfort in knowing that I'll see my brother again.  If anything were to ever happen to my husband the only way I could keep going is knowing that we would be together again.  I've never even wanted to question or challenge my belief in heaven.  Now I find myself in a place where I'm praying to my brother to help us have this baby that we so desperately want.  If there is indeed a heaven then surely he hears my prayers and feels my pain.  I don't want to question my belief in heaven, but here I am...  Still heartbroken with dwindling hope and no sign of things looking up.  For the first time in my life I've questioned 1 belief that I have been firm in since a very, very young age.  A belief that I never wanted to challenge or question.  But now I wonder...  Is there a heaven?  Or even a higher power?  I see woman all around me accidently become pregnant, woman who shouldn't have children.  There's constantly children born into situations they cannot control that puts their safety and happiness at risk.  Why would a "God" do that?  What have I done that is so horrible that I don't deserve to be a mother?

I need to believe in heaven.  It's what helped me cope, it's what helps me cope everyday.  It brought me comfort knowing that my brother was finally in a happier place, a better place.  In high school and my first year or two of college I also suffered from depression.  I remember hitting rock bottom.  I remember not wanting to wake up another day.  I remember taking sleeping pills night after night just to be able to sleep.  I remember considering taking more than I knew I should.  I remember nights where I did.  In a sick and twisted way I understand why my brother took his life.  Until you are in that lonely place of isolated depression you cannot understand how hard it is to want to go on living.  That feeling ended for my brother the day he took his life...  and that brings me comfort.  He's free now, he can be happy.

This struggles brings me back to that place.  Not to the point of wanting to give up.  I love my husband more than life itself and want to enjoy every possible minute with him on this earth.  I simply feel all the emotions, the sadness, angry, confusion, that I felt when I hit rock bottom.  The only difference is that I do not want to end my life...  I only want to create another.

My husband and I are good people.  We would be great parents and would find joy in every aspect of being parents, both the good and the bad.  So why isn't it happening for us?  Yes, I know it's only been six months and that many woman have been trying much, much longer.  But I've also seen woman all around me decide to try for a baby because it's the right thing to do or it's just the next step in life.  Get married, buy a house, have a baby.  Or my personal favorite, "I'm X years old, so it's time for me to have a baby."  My desire for a baby has nothing to do with age, societal pressures, or doing life's tasks in order.  It's simply a passion, a desire, a desperate longing to be a mother.  I think all woman who feel the latter can relate.  It's not the same as wanting a baby because society is telling you to do so.  It's a burning that comes from within our hearts that can't be understood by the outside world.

Here is six months of venting, heartache, disappointment, failure, soul searching, confusion, and isolation.

And I still ask... Why is this happening to me?

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 18, 2010

Waiting... Waiting... Waiting...

Welcome to CD 29...  and still waiting!  Of course I caved again tonight and took another test.  Some how I managed to make it through last month without taking a single test and simply waiting to see if/when AF arrived.  Here I am at CD 29 and already have my third negative test this month.  Although I still got a negative result, I'm ridiculously optimistic about this cycle!  Last month my temperature started to go down on day 27 and dropped dramatically on day 31 and then I got my period that day...  My temps are still up as of this morning and I'm hoping for another high temp tomorrow!

I've spent a lot of time recently reading other people's blogs and learning their stories.  It breaks my heart to read about read about woman who have been trying for years with no luck... Or that had a glimmer of hope and success that ended in a miscarriage.  I don't know how these woman do it.  I have so much compassion for all the woman who have to endure the heartbreak of trying for years with no success but they are also my worst fear.

I'll guess I'll just have to wait a few more days to see what happens...

TUESDAY, AUGUST 17, 2010

A bit of background...

After following other women on blogs and forums for a few months I decided that it was time for me to start one of my own.  (Perhaps in an attempt to give my husband some relief from nonstop baby talk!)

I always knew I wanted to be a mother.  I'm a third grade teacher in a very poor neighborhood and a mother to most of my students.  It's time to have someone to mother and love that can come home with me each night.  My husband and I have been together for over 5 years but got married a little over a year ago, on June 27th, 2009, and each day with him still feels like the best day of my life.

Our original plan was to wait until close to our second anniversary to start our family...  But of course that changed, I did say "original plan" after all!  Shortly before Christmas (2009) we decided that we didn't want to wait a year...  We both knew we wanted to be parents and the thought of bringing a baby into our loves was not in the least bit scary.  Although I never told my husband I would have been elated if he suggested starting our family right after we got married!  The new plan: start trying shortly before our 1 year anniversary.  We wanted to wait until summer to start trying to take advantage of my summer's off as a teacher!  But of course our plan changed, yet again!

My husband is an ICU nurse, and a wonderful one at that!  Shortly following the earthquake in Haiti he became very passionate about doing what he could to help.  In a matter of 10 days he raised enough money to cover his travels, got essential medications and vaccinations, collected donated medical equipment and personal supplies, and was off to Haiti!  I will never be able to understand how difficult, yet rewarding, this experience was for him but I can tell he came back a better person. When he came home he decided that waiting a few more months was simply a waste of time!  I couldn't have been more excited...  So the journey begins!

I had my IUD removed in February and waited 9 longs weeks of calling my doctors office and being told to wait before they would finally see me...  The reason for the visit?  No period!  I was put on Provera to induce my period and began charting my BBT.  At this point I also began to do nonstop research and purchasing books to educate myself on what was happening to my body and what I could do to increase my chances of getting pregnant.  I got my period and then waited and charted and waited and charted and waited....  42 days later I finally got my period, with the assistance of Provera, once again.

In June my doctor decided to have me take Provera, yet again to induce my period, and start my first round of Clomid 50 mg.  Although I never got a BFP that cycle and got my period on my own at day 29 I had many symptoms and just felt pregnant.  I was incredibly tired, by far the most tired I have ever been, had random dizzy spells, and occasionally nausea.  My BBT chart showed that I ovulated on day 14.  Although I was hoping for the beautiful plus sign when I planned on taking a test (around day 31 if AF hadn't shown up yet) I never got the chance to find out for sure because AF beat me to the chase.

I'm currently on cycle day 28 of my second round of Clomid.  I had my clomid check last week and my progesterone was up to 23 (last month was 18) and the nurse sounded very optimistic...  However, I think I still need to wait a few days to know for sure!  Of course, being the impatient person that I am, I took a test yesterday (day 27) and got the dreaded single vertical line sans the wonderful horizontal line I so desperately want to see!  I'm not losing hope yet, it still may too early to tell!

So here's the beginning of my story... Hoping for a happy ending soon!