It's officially over.

Yesterday was a very long day.  Today really wasn't much better.

I called my OB's office Monday morning to ask if I could come in for blood work since my period was late and I had been having a few symptoms.  I was feeling very fatigued, had lower back aches and strange cramping in my uterus, and was very nauseated on Sunday.  I had taken at least 7 HPTs, all of which were negative, but was still holding out hope.  I was beginning to think that since the OPKs never worked for me that there was a chance that the HPTs weren't either.  So I had my blood drawn on Monday afternoon.

I knew the results would be in sometime Tuesday.  I called first thing and was told the nurse would call me back.  Tuesday morning I had a slight dip in my temp but it was still up, more or less.  Of course I missed the nurse's call and she left a message wanting me to call her back.  I assumed if it was good news she would have just left a message like I requested.  I should have prepared myself at that point.

I finally was able to get ahold of her (after playing phone tag all day) around 2:30.  She told me that while my hormones looked good (ha!) the pregnancy test came back negative.  I wanted to cry at that moment but held it together because I had 17 third graders working away at their desks in my classroom.  I called my husband to fill him in and finally told him I had to get off the phone or I was going to cry.  I had a little over an hour of my day left before my students went home.  I had at least two kids ask why my eyes were watery and the rest clearly knew something was up.  I couldn't even get a sentence out to the secretary (wanting her to pass on to my principal that I needed to leave) before I started crying.

I came home and cried some more.  Went to acupuncture, let me just say that I love my acupuncturist she's absolutely wonderful, where I cried some more, I cried on my way home, and on and off for the rest of the night until I finally fell asleep.  I cried silently beside my husband this morning when I woke up as I realized that yes, yesterday did indeed happen and yes, I am still living in this nightmare.

This past weekend we bought some children's books for "the baby", I started making suggestions about when to start buying furniture, and we saw our first glimmer of hope that this might actually and finally be happening for us.  With that I tortured myself further, discovering via an online due date calculator, that we would have been due on our 2nd anniversary.  All the stars were aligned.  What happened?

My period showed up today so it is officially over.  We'll be working with the RE this month that we met for the first time a few weeks ago.  As excited I am to move on, I am also very sad.  I thoroughly enjoy my OB and would like to stay with her.  We'll be doing an IUI this month which will mean much more time (and therefore stress) and much more money.  Hopefully the end result will be a baby... Hopefully.

The last couple months I've felt pretty good.  This month I've been extremely optimistic.  Now I feel the same way I did a few months ago when I cried the entire way to work because I had a temperature dip.  I still don't understand why this is happening to us.  I don't understand what I did that is so horrible that I should feel like I'm being punished.  As much as my husband wants a baby he also is ok not having one anytime soon.  This makes me sad.  I don't want us to have a baby because it's what I want.  I don't want him to go forward with treatments and procedures just because it's what I want.  I'm not saying he doesn't want this, he is simply ok if it takes longer than expected.  But he's also informed me that while he can wait, he hates seeing me so upset and wants to move forward to the next step because of the way I'm feeling.  I love him and I love that he doesn't want to see me hurt, but at the same time I want him to want this just as bad as I do.

The best way to describe it is that I feel like I've lost a baby.  I know plenty of people would think I'm crazy and that is fine, but this is how I feel.  I was already bonding with something that I never truly had.  Once again, I'm grieving the loss of nothing.

Last night I got a text from a friend letting me know that he's here for me if I need him.  As much as I love and appreciate this I was also frustrated.  He can't possibly understand what I'm going through.  We started trying before him and his wife and his baby is due in a little over 2 months.

My heart is broken right now.  I'm sure I'll be fine in a few days, or at least I can hope that I will be.  I'm ready to get off this emotional roller coaster and just bring home our baby.  That's all I'm asking...  Am I really asking too much?