The Cat is Out of The Bag... Sort of.

Well!!  We did officially cave and tell our families this past week!  It was so much fun surprising them with gifts and seeing the shock on their faces!  We told our parents and our sisters but my BIL will have to wait until his package arrives in the mail later this week... I'm sure he's very curious about what is in this mysterious package!

Our dads got t shirts that said "Great Dads Get Promoted to Grandpa".  Our moms got a picture frame with a First Grandchild Poem.  We gave our sisters calendars and told them we wrote all the important dates (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) on them and suggested they check it out to make sure they saw what was written on July 27!  For my BIL we got a bottle open made out of bike parts and put a note on it saying "To open a celebratory beer..." then inside an envelope is a picture of a little t-shirt we bought that says "I'm a Hawkeye just like my uncle".  His reaction will be interesting... Mostly because he's not a Hawkeye but rather a diehard Cyclone, but of course our kid will not be wearing red and yellow!  I can't wait until his package arrives and then all of our family members will know!  For now it's our little family secret... We don't want to start spreading the word to everyone else until Christmas/New Years time when I'm about 10 weeks.

It's definitely starting to feel a little bit more real!

A Slight Scare...

This weekend I had a really sharp pain inside my left hip (the same side I ovulated from) and then had it again this morning.  When I experienced it this morning it was really intense, to the point where I couldn't get comfortable and was unable to take deep breaths, and it lasted a little over an hour.  I tried to ignore it but after it had been gone for a few hours I decided that I should probably go ahead and call my RE's office.  Sure enough, after talking to the nurse and having the nurse call me back after talking to the doctor, they would like to see me first thing tomorrow morning.

My concern is that it could potentially be ectopic.  I asked the nurse if she believed that that would also be the concern.  Fortunately she said that it's most likely too early for a pregnancy to be large enough to cause pain if it is in my tube and often times ectopic pregnancies are accompanied by consistent spotting and dizziness.  I'm not spotting, nor am I dizzy... However, I'm still exhausted!  The nurse said that what I'm most likely experiencing is ovary pain, possibly caused by a cyst or enlargement for some reason.

I'm going in at 7:30 for blood work.  Based on what I've read online (I know, I probably shouldn't have googled) my HCG level would be too low for this stage if it was ectopic.  I'm also having an ultrasound following my blood draw and will hopefully have the results of my blood test by the time my ultrasound is done.  My husband is suppose to work tomorrow but I'm hoping he can sneak away for the ultrasound.  I would really hate for him to miss our first ultrasound and I also want him there for two reasons.  Without him I think it's kind of sad and depressing, plus I would like him there just incase it isn't good news...  I'm trying not to worry and hoping that I sleep well and tomorrow morning comes quickly!

Giving Thanks

With Thanksgiving quickly approaching I've been thinking about all the things that I am thankful for.  Honestly, I wouldn't feel this way had our most recent IUI not worked.  I would be bitter, angry, and sad.  But here we are, pregnant, and enjoying every minute of it!  It still hasn't completely sunk in.  I found out one week ago today that we were finally and officially expecting and still I'm having a hard time believing it.  We only have 19 more days (ha, "only") until our first ultrasound.  I can't wait!  I am so excited to see our little Sprout and know that I'm going to cry like a baby and at that moment it'll really start to sink in!  Of course 19 days seems like an eternity.

Anyways, back to the reason why I began this post...
Here are the biggest things I'm thankful for this year.

1. I am thankful for my husband.  He is by far the most amazing person I have ever met in my life.  I never thought I could love someone so much.  I still get extremely excited when he walks in the door after a long day of work, or when he comes home from running an errand in which I saw him right before he left.  Unfortunately, I love him so much and enjoy him so much that I can't not smile when I look at him when I'm really, really upset with him!  Oh, well.  :)

2. I am thankful for our home.  There is nothing better than coming home after a long day of work and walking into a place that is filled with our hard work and love.  We both lived in many different apartments throughout college and no matter what you do or how hard you try an apartment can never fully be a home the way a place of your very own can.  I'm proud of our home and can't wait to redo the "baby's room" and actually turn it into the baby's room.  With that, I'm thankful that we have a home to bring our baby.  I look forward to experiencing all of our firsts as parents and our baby's firsts in this home.

3. I am thankful to be pregnant (4 weeks, 3 days pregnant to be exact).  I was beginning to doubt that this moment would ever happen for me.  Call me dramatic if you want, but deep down I was feeling incredibly defeated and worn out.  It broke my heart every time I got another negative and I saw another month come and go.  I am so happy right now.  I hope these next several weeks are ones that we never forget.  While most people might believe that your firsts as parents come when you bring your baby home, I believe your firsts as parents begin the moment you find out your pregnant.  For the first time we "looked" at baby stuff with the intention of thinking about what we will purchase for our baby as opposed to what we would want to purchase for our hypothetical baby.  We will experience our first ultrasound in a few weeks and experience the joy of telling our families for the first time come Christmas.  I am completely in love with and thankful for this baby.

4.  I am thankful to have a job that I love (most days).  As much as I love my students and do thoroughly enjoy seeing them everyday I also really enjoy my days off and my breaks.  I couldn't imagine having to wake up and go to a job that I hate day after day or even a job that I was just ok with.  My coworkers are amazing, my students are wonderful, and I feel like I'm doing something important and necessary everyday.

5. Lastly, I'm thankful to be happy once again.  The last few months made me feel increasingly depressed and defeated.  Now, I'm feeling myself again and I am so thankful for that...

Our first BFP!!!!

It's official!!!  I'm finally pregnant!!! We got our first BFP on Saturday (November 13th).  As of today I'm 3 weeks, 5 days.  I am happy, excited, thrilled, ecstatic...  I could go on all day!  Of course there's a tiny voice inside of me saying, "Slow down, it's still very early."  But damnit, I don't care!  This was well deserved and long awaited.

I called my doctor's office today and I have my first prenatal appointment and ultrasound on December 9th.  At that time we'll be able to see our little Sprout, make sure everything is progressing as it should be, and possibly even hear the heartbeat!  I'm still in complete shock!  It's so hard to believe that I'm finally pregnant.  I've been feeling great and the only symptom I've had so far is some cramping and stretching in my abdomen.

We've decided that we're going to wait to tell our families until Christmas (then we'll tell friends after our families know).  We found some cute shirts that say "Great Dads get Promoted to Grandpa" that we're going to buy for our dads and then we think we're going to get our moms "Grandma" picture frames if we can find some.  We haven't decided what we're going to do for our sisters and my BIL yet but we'll come up with something.  Our plan is to wrap the gifts up and give everyone their "surprise" gifts at the same time.  I can't wait!  It's going to be so much fun and so exciting, especially because they don't know that we've been trying!


So, what did it take for us to get pregnant, you ask?

Here goes...

8 1/2 Months of TTC
4 Doctors (1 PA, 1 OB-GYN, 2 REs)
5 Months of Clomid (50 mg)
1 HSG
11(+) Blood Draws
Lots of Tears and Frustration
Many Negative Pregnancy Tests
2 Months of Acupuncture
1 Ovidrel Trigger Shot
1 IUI
1 Serving of Pineapple Daily (1dpiui - 10dpiui)
1 Glass of Grape Juice Daily (1dpiui - 10dpiui)
2 BFNs Preceded by 5 BFPs!!!

Mix that up in a bowl with a little optimism and a whole lot of hope and voila!  My eggo is preggo! :)

We couldn't be more excited and have had so much fun researching baby gear.  It's so different to be looking at baby gear knowing that we'll actually by buying it soon!

I'm going to go treat myself to a nice long, hot bubble bath!

Accept That Challenge That is Ours

For a while today I was actually feeling pretty optimistic and excited about this cycle.  I was looking forward to testing this weekend and a teeny, tiny part of me thought that it might actually come up positive.  

And then my reality sunk in.  Do I honestly think that 1 fairly simple procedure is going to be our answer?  Well, no.  As much as I really want to believe deep down and wholeheartedly that this is going to be our answer I just can't seem to convince myself that it's going to work.

I came across a beautiful quote this evening that I really like.

"I hope we can be happy where we are, be grateful for our blessings now, here accept that challenge that is ours and make the most of it, and not be envious of others." - Ezra Taft Benson I think these are words that I need to live by.  It's time for me to embrace this shitty challenge that has been handed to me, be grateful for what I do have, and stop being envious of others.  I can't help but feel a pang every time I see a newborn or a pregnant woman.  I feel it every time I log on facebook to see the newest pregnancy update, birth announcement, or "x days until baby's due date".  When I see someone announcing or mentioning their 2nd or 3rd pregnancy I can't help but think, "At least you already have a child." And, "Why should you get to have a second baby when I can't even have one?"  Perhaps it's time for me to stop comparing myself and where I am to the next person.   I just need to get through tomorrow and then hopefully Saturday morning will bring the answer I've been waiting for.

Edit

Ramblings...

I've been reflecting on our entire journey a lot lately, as opposed to just thinking about last month's failure and trying to find the hope needed to get to next month. (Yes, I almost said "next month's failure.)

Thinking back 9 months to my "pre-conception" appointment.  I remember discussing our plan to start trying with my doctor and she had asked me what our worst case scenario would be.  Naturally, I said, "Well, worst case scenario we get pregnant next month (March) and I find out in May that my job is cut."  I wish now that I would have said, "Worst case scenario would be that we can't get pregnant."  Boy was I naive!  If only I knew at that point that I would be here, at this point.

I recently pointed out to our husband that now that we've been trying for 8 months exactly half of our marriage has been spent trying to have a baby.  Great.  Dare I say it again?  I thought this was suppose to be easy!  (OK, OK, not "easy" but definitely not quite so "difficult".)

So here we are, 8 1/2 months later...  Still no closer to having a baby now than we were back then.  The only difference is that I was so full of hope and promise nearly 9 months ago.  I know there are many woman out there that have tried significantly longer than we have but we've also really been trying for the full 8 months, including 6 of those months with constant doctors appointments, meds, and blood draws.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  Just because it's "only" been 8 months it doesn't change how I feel.  It does not change the fact that I thought we were going to either have a baby by Christmas or would be getting all kinds of baby gifts for Christmas.  Now, at best, we could announce our pregnancy at Christmas, although it's a little earlier than I'd prefer to announce it.

I'm also sick of people telling me that I have time because I'm young.  There's no need to tell me I'm young.  I'm fully aware of my age and fully aware that, unless something horrible happens, I've got plenty of years left.  Once again... It doesn't change how I feel.  It doesn't change the fact that my heart breaks a little more each time I hear someone else announce their pregnancy or the birth of their new baby.

I'm so over people telling me to relax and that if I relax it'll happen.  Really?  I had no idea that you were a fortune teller or the holder of the world's biggest secrets!  Put yourself in my shoes, with my emotions, frustrations, and pain and then tell me to relax.  I'm certainly not stressed all the time nor am I "relaxed" but I'm continuously conscious of my lack of success.  You telling me to relax (all together now) doesn't change how I feel.

If I think back to the very beginning of our journey of deciding for sure that we wanted to start trying... It would be one year ago next month.  It was December when we made the decision to start our family.  We knew we wanted to wait a few months and didn't want to jump right on it.  It gave us some time to really think it through so we know that we were 100% ready and it gave us some time start mentally preparing ourselves for what lies ahead.  I remember being at my in-laws over Christmas last year and feeling over the moon with giddiness.  My husband and I had this amazing, awesome secret and by this time next year it would no longer be a secret but an exciting chapter for all of our family.  I remember how those first few weeks after deciding that we wanted to start trying seemed to drag on very slowly.  I just wanted the time to come for us to start trying and to start planning.

I feel completely different now.  I wish I still felt that way.  Ignorance is bliss, right?  Perhaps I'd cry myself to sleep much less and not get the awful pain in my heart every time I saw a newborn.

Now here we are... 1 year later.  Still without a baby but yet so much is different.  The way I feel every day is different.  The way I look at our spare bedroom and think about our home is different.  Even thinking about the holidays is different.  I love this time of year.  I love Thanksgiving and Christmas and look forward to the holiday season every year.  The only year in my entire life that I remember dreading the holiday season was the year my brother passed away.  That's how I feel this year.  I'd prefer to skip right over Thanksgiving and Christmas (unless this IUI actually works, of course) and start 2011.

The last few months I've been exhausted all the time and a complete bum.  I have very little motivation to do anything on the weekends or after working a long day at work.  For a while I attributed it to work and needing a nice long break to reenergize.  Then I had a 2 week fall break and went back to work and I still feel exhausted.  Next I decided to blame it on the clomid.  I asked a few girls from my forum if they had a similar s/e and many of them said that clomid zapped them of all their energy.  But can I really blame the clomid (which I take cd3-7) on the exhaustion that I'm still feeling at the very end of my cycle?

So this brings me to my newest conclusion.  Trying to have a baby has taken all of my energy.  I have none.  I'm exhausted all the time and do nothing but think about going to bed starting at 6:30 pm every night until I finally do go to bed.  This has taken all of my energy, both physically and emotionally.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of the disappointment.  I'm tired of the heartache.  I'm tired of seeing everyone's babies pop up first thing when I sign on facebook.  I'm tired of hearing about other woman who are pregnant while I'm still left behind.  I'm just plain tired.

I've brought up the thought of telling our families at Thanksgiving if this IUI doesn't work.  I've brought it up several times and each time my husband basically says no.  I feel like he isn't even listening to me anymore.  Which makes me feel that much more alone and isolated.  I want to tell them because I'm tired of tip toeing around and feeling overwhelmed watching what I say around our families.  This is what I think about all day long.  I'm ready to talk about it with my family.  I know there will be added pressure and there will be questions, but I'm also not afraid to tell them to back off if it comes to that.  I need a little more support than what I'm getting right now.  My husband tries but he also gets sick of hearing about it... I can tell.  It's obvious in his tone and the way he straight up avoids such conversations sometimes.

I guess it's too early to lose all hope that this IUI will work out.  I was so excited about the idea of an IUI last month because I knew it would help overcome some of the obstacles that are standing in our way.  I just wish I felt as optimistic now as I did about a month ago.  If we're lucky and blessed enough then this IUI will work out and everything that I just spent the last half hour rambling about will become one giant moot point.  That's what would happen in an ideal world, but instead I feel like my life is just one big self loathing pity party right now.

But... It still might work!

This has got to be it!

I'm 3dpiui (days post IUI) and have no idea how I'm going to make it through the next 7+ days.  This has got to work!  I'm so ready to start planning and prepping for our little addition.  I've spent the last 8 months researching all kinds of baby gear... Cribs, bottles, carseats, strollers, etc, etc.  I've also spent the last 8 months researching early pregnancy symptoms, phases of pregnancy, what to expect each month, etc, etc.  I think I'm ready.  (Not to mention the fact that I've been taking my temperature everyday for exactly 138 days at precisely 5:30 am.)

We'll be able to do 1, possibly 2 more IUIs this year if necessary.  If that doesn't work then we will just be trying on our own and will be hoping for the best.  There's no way that an IVF is anywhere in our near future, nor do I want to entertain the idea of IVF at this time.

I'm hoping this is our month and 9 months from now we'll officially be a family.

Argh!

After the way I felt yesterday I thought for sure that, while this 2ww would be long and torturous like most of them are, I would continue to feel great and optimistic about this month.  Unfortunately, today I feel like crying.  I'm a little worried that I might have ovulated much earlier than what we anticipated with the Ovidrel shot and therefor our IUI would have been too late.  I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

I guess in the mean time I'll try to stay positive and keep the crying to a minimum.

Good Thoughts!

Good news!  My emotional roller coaster is currently up on the top of the hill! (And hopefully will be staying up this time.)  We had our second RE appointment today to discuss the results of my blood work and to plan our IUI.  I assumed that I wouldn't have any good looking follicles yet and that I'd have to come back for regular monitoring throughout the week and eventually do the trigger shot.

Well, surprise, surprise!  I had 2 follicles that looked great.  One was at 19 mm and one at 21 mm, they want to see somewhere between 18 and 22.  My lining also looked great so I got the prescription for the Ovidrel trigger shot and get to do it tonight.  That means that our IUI is planned for Wednesday morning!  I'm so excited and once again feeling very positive.  As I've said before, I really hope this is our month.  The hope is that by doing the IUI we will bypass many of the issues we've had that have been holding us back.

My first (and hopefully only) self administered Ovidrel Shot.  

On a completely different note.  I got really annoyed this afternoon at dismissal time when families were picking up our students.  One family was parked in front of the school waiting for someone.  They had the side door open to the van so I could see where they had a baby, maybe 6 months old, in a rear-facing infant car seat facing forward.  The seat looked so old that I'm sure by now the safety ratings on it are expired.  Then to add insult to injury the mom, in an attempt to get the baby to stop crying, handed her the tiny remnants of her sucker!  REALLY???!!!!  You gave your infant baby a sucker?  A sucker?

Ok... I'm going to stop there before this becomes a tirade.  If she can have a baby then I most certainly deserve to have a baby, too!