Ramblings...

I've been reflecting on our entire journey a lot lately, as opposed to just thinking about last month's failure and trying to find the hope needed to get to next month. (Yes, I almost said "next month's failure.)

Thinking back 9 months to my "pre-conception" appointment.  I remember discussing our plan to start trying with my doctor and she had asked me what our worst case scenario would be.  Naturally, I said, "Well, worst case scenario we get pregnant next month (March) and I find out in May that my job is cut."  I wish now that I would have said, "Worst case scenario would be that we can't get pregnant."  Boy was I naive!  If only I knew at that point that I would be here, at this point.

I recently pointed out to our husband that now that we've been trying for 8 months exactly half of our marriage has been spent trying to have a baby.  Great.  Dare I say it again?  I thought this was suppose to be easy!  (OK, OK, not "easy" but definitely not quite so "difficult".)

So here we are, 8 1/2 months later...  Still no closer to having a baby now than we were back then.  The only difference is that I was so full of hope and promise nearly 9 months ago.  I know there are many woman out there that have tried significantly longer than we have but we've also really been trying for the full 8 months, including 6 of those months with constant doctors appointments, meds, and blood draws.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  Just because it's "only" been 8 months it doesn't change how I feel.  It does not change the fact that I thought we were going to either have a baby by Christmas or would be getting all kinds of baby gifts for Christmas.  Now, at best, we could announce our pregnancy at Christmas, although it's a little earlier than I'd prefer to announce it.

I'm also sick of people telling me that I have time because I'm young.  There's no need to tell me I'm young.  I'm fully aware of my age and fully aware that, unless something horrible happens, I've got plenty of years left.  Once again... It doesn't change how I feel.  It doesn't change the fact that my heart breaks a little more each time I hear someone else announce their pregnancy or the birth of their new baby.

I'm so over people telling me to relax and that if I relax it'll happen.  Really?  I had no idea that you were a fortune teller or the holder of the world's biggest secrets!  Put yourself in my shoes, with my emotions, frustrations, and pain and then tell me to relax.  I'm certainly not stressed all the time nor am I "relaxed" but I'm continuously conscious of my lack of success.  You telling me to relax (all together now) doesn't change how I feel.

If I think back to the very beginning of our journey of deciding for sure that we wanted to start trying... It would be one year ago next month.  It was December when we made the decision to start our family.  We knew we wanted to wait a few months and didn't want to jump right on it.  It gave us some time to really think it through so we know that we were 100% ready and it gave us some time start mentally preparing ourselves for what lies ahead.  I remember being at my in-laws over Christmas last year and feeling over the moon with giddiness.  My husband and I had this amazing, awesome secret and by this time next year it would no longer be a secret but an exciting chapter for all of our family.  I remember how those first few weeks after deciding that we wanted to start trying seemed to drag on very slowly.  I just wanted the time to come for us to start trying and to start planning.

I feel completely different now.  I wish I still felt that way.  Ignorance is bliss, right?  Perhaps I'd cry myself to sleep much less and not get the awful pain in my heart every time I saw a newborn.

Now here we are... 1 year later.  Still without a baby but yet so much is different.  The way I feel every day is different.  The way I look at our spare bedroom and think about our home is different.  Even thinking about the holidays is different.  I love this time of year.  I love Thanksgiving and Christmas and look forward to the holiday season every year.  The only year in my entire life that I remember dreading the holiday season was the year my brother passed away.  That's how I feel this year.  I'd prefer to skip right over Thanksgiving and Christmas (unless this IUI actually works, of course) and start 2011.

The last few months I've been exhausted all the time and a complete bum.  I have very little motivation to do anything on the weekends or after working a long day at work.  For a while I attributed it to work and needing a nice long break to reenergize.  Then I had a 2 week fall break and went back to work and I still feel exhausted.  Next I decided to blame it on the clomid.  I asked a few girls from my forum if they had a similar s/e and many of them said that clomid zapped them of all their energy.  But can I really blame the clomid (which I take cd3-7) on the exhaustion that I'm still feeling at the very end of my cycle?

So this brings me to my newest conclusion.  Trying to have a baby has taken all of my energy.  I have none.  I'm exhausted all the time and do nothing but think about going to bed starting at 6:30 pm every night until I finally do go to bed.  This has taken all of my energy, both physically and emotionally.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of the disappointment.  I'm tired of the heartache.  I'm tired of seeing everyone's babies pop up first thing when I sign on facebook.  I'm tired of hearing about other woman who are pregnant while I'm still left behind.  I'm just plain tired.

I've brought up the thought of telling our families at Thanksgiving if this IUI doesn't work.  I've brought it up several times and each time my husband basically says no.  I feel like he isn't even listening to me anymore.  Which makes me feel that much more alone and isolated.  I want to tell them because I'm tired of tip toeing around and feeling overwhelmed watching what I say around our families.  This is what I think about all day long.  I'm ready to talk about it with my family.  I know there will be added pressure and there will be questions, but I'm also not afraid to tell them to back off if it comes to that.  I need a little more support than what I'm getting right now.  My husband tries but he also gets sick of hearing about it... I can tell.  It's obvious in his tone and the way he straight up avoids such conversations sometimes.

I guess it's too early to lose all hope that this IUI will work out.  I was so excited about the idea of an IUI last month because I knew it would help overcome some of the obstacles that are standing in our way.  I just wish I felt as optimistic now as I did about a month ago.  If we're lucky and blessed enough then this IUI will work out and everything that I just spent the last half hour rambling about will become one giant moot point.  That's what would happen in an ideal world, but instead I feel like my life is just one big self loathing pity party right now.

But... It still might work!