I read a post last night from another blog I follow, Petals Honoring Infant and Pregnancy Loses Today - October 15, and thought, "Huh, how ironic." Exactly three years ago on October 15th I lost my brother to depression. He took his own life and it's safe to say that our lives haven't been the same since.
I really appreciated that in My Hopeful Journey's blog post she mentioned that pregnancy loss includes those of us who haven't been able to achieve pregnancy because we have experienced loss, too. I can't explain how much that touched me and how much I truly appreciate being recognized as someone who has experienced loss. Of course I know my pregnancy "loss" isn't nearly as heartbreaking or devastating as someone's actual loss, but I still grieve.
Back to my initial reaction to the article. I had decided earlier this week that if my temp was still up and still hadn't seen AF then I would test Friday night... Then I realized Friday is the anniversary of my brother's death. So, naturally, I thought that this must have been part of his big plan all along. A way for me to no longer attach pain to October 15th, but instead remember it as a bitter-sweet day. A day for me to grieve and feel the pain of my brother's death but also remember it as the day that we first found out we were pregnant. I had convinced myself that Friday would be the day! And low and behold... It wasn't. Surprise, surprise. I tested again this morning and..... drum roll, please.... Still.... Negative. Actually, as negative as it can possibly get. I realize it's still too early to tell but my heart is breaking a little more with each negative test.
Perhaps tomorrow will bring good news.
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