My next RE appointment is in two days... November 1st, also the day that marks 8 full months of trying. Normally I get really excited about my appointments and more optimistic as they get closer. However, I still feel hopeless. I'm telling myself that I need to be optimistic and that it's time to get excited about this cycle, but no matter how often I give myself pep-talks I still feel down.
I've cried at least once everyday for the past 12 days. Some days I cried multiple times and other days I forced myself to not cry multiple times. This process is suppose to be fun and exciting but instead it's making me feel angry, sad, and lonely day after day.
Maybe I'll feel better after leaving my appointment on Monday.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Awaiting our Next RE Appointment
We have our next appointment with the RE on Monday, November 1st. Right now I'm not feeling very optimistic... I'm hoping that after meeting with the RE on Monday and getting a plan in place for our IUI I'll be more excited but for now I feel pretty hopeless. As much as I'd like to believe that it will happen for us right now I simply have no hope. I'm sure it will return with time, but for now I'm feeling very defeated and crushed.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
The Infertility Closet
As of Friday night/Saturday morning I thought I was OK and had jumped back on the Train Of Optimism. And then Saturday afternoon came...
We had several friends in town this weekend for our yearly college friend "reunion" tailgate. It's so nice to find a weekend that we can get most of our friends together and I have been looking forward to this weekend for several weeks. The weekend started off great, I was having a great time and really enjoying having our friends here. Then Saturday afternoon one girl showed up and her and her husband felt the need to announce (again and again) that she was expecting their second baby but the kicker is that they said they just found out on Tuesday. Of course she finds out she's pregnant on the day I found out I'm not. When this girl first found out we were having troubles she did what she normally does and said the absolute wrong thing. She went on and on about how her and her husband must be really fertile and they got pregnant on the first try. Some people just shouldn't be allowed to talk.
I might have gone to the restroom for a few minutes to have a moment and shed a few tears. And I thought I was doing better. Who am I kidding? My heart feels broken and I'm depressed most of the day. I can't get thoughts about pregnancy, babies, or IF out of my mind. The last 7 1/2 months have turned my world upside down. I'm a very open person, talking is my therapy. No one wants to hear about IF. No one wants to hear about my doctor's appointments, b/w, online forum, what CD I'm on, details of AF, when I'd be due "if" this is our month, etc. etc. Do you see where I'm going with this?
Our families still don't know we're trying. I'm secretive at times, simply because I don't want my SIL or my sister to catch wind of what's going on, but yet it's all I want to talk about.
I'm ready to come out of the infertility closet. As soon as we either (a) get pregnant or (b) decide to tell our families people are going to be forced to listen to me. I hate that I'm stuck inside such a taboo topic and am ready to come clean.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
It's officially over.
Yesterday was a very long day. Today really wasn't much better.
I called my OB's office Monday morning to ask if I could come in for blood work since my period was late and I had been having a few symptoms. I was feeling very fatigued, had lower back aches and strange cramping in my uterus, and was very nauseated on Sunday. I had taken at least 7 HPTs, all of which were negative, but was still holding out hope. I was beginning to think that since the OPKs never worked for me that there was a chance that the HPTs weren't either. So I had my blood drawn on Monday afternoon.
I knew the results would be in sometime Tuesday. I called first thing and was told the nurse would call me back. Tuesday morning I had a slight dip in my temp but it was still up, more or less. Of course I missed the nurse's call and she left a message wanting me to call her back. I assumed if it was good news she would have just left a message like I requested. I should have prepared myself at that point.
I finally was able to get ahold of her (after playing phone tag all day) around 2:30. She told me that while my hormones looked good (ha!) the pregnancy test came back negative. I wanted to cry at that moment but held it together because I had 17 third graders working away at their desks in my classroom. I called my husband to fill him in and finally told him I had to get off the phone or I was going to cry. I had a little over an hour of my day left before my students went home. I had at least two kids ask why my eyes were watery and the rest clearly knew something was up. I couldn't even get a sentence out to the secretary (wanting her to pass on to my principal that I needed to leave) before I started crying.
I came home and cried some more. Went to acupuncture, let me just say that I love my acupuncturist she's absolutely wonderful, where I cried some more, I cried on my way home, and on and off for the rest of the night until I finally fell asleep. I cried silently beside my husband this morning when I woke up as I realized that yes, yesterday did indeed happen and yes, I am still living in this nightmare.
This past weekend we bought some children's books for "the baby", I started making suggestions about when to start buying furniture, and we saw our first glimmer of hope that this might actually and finally be happening for us. With that I tortured myself further, discovering via an online due date calculator, that we would have been due on our 2nd anniversary. All the stars were aligned. What happened?
My period showed up today so it is officially over. We'll be working with the RE this month that we met for the first time a few weeks ago. As excited I am to move on, I am also very sad. I thoroughly enjoy my OB and would like to stay with her. We'll be doing an IUI this month which will mean much more time (and therefore stress) and much more money. Hopefully the end result will be a baby... Hopefully.
The last couple months I've felt pretty good. This month I've been extremely optimistic. Now I feel the same way I did a few months ago when I cried the entire way to work because I had a temperature dip. I still don't understand why this is happening to us. I don't understand what I did that is so horrible that I should feel like I'm being punished. As much as my husband wants a baby he also is ok not having one anytime soon. This makes me sad. I don't want us to have a baby because it's what I want. I don't want him to go forward with treatments and procedures just because it's what I want. I'm not saying he doesn't want this, he is simply ok if it takes longer than expected. But he's also informed me that while he can wait, he hates seeing me so upset and wants to move forward to the next step because of the way I'm feeling. I love him and I love that he doesn't want to see me hurt, but at the same time I want him to want this just as bad as I do.
The best way to describe it is that I feel like I've lost a baby. I know plenty of people would think I'm crazy and that is fine, but this is how I feel. I was already bonding with something that I never truly had. Once again, I'm grieving the loss of nothing.
Last night I got a text from a friend letting me know that he's here for me if I need him. As much as I love and appreciate this I was also frustrated. He can't possibly understand what I'm going through. We started trying before him and his wife and his baby is due in a little over 2 months.
My heart is broken right now. I'm sure I'll be fine in a few days, or at least I can hope that I will be. I'm ready to get off this emotional roller coaster and just bring home our baby. That's all I'm asking... Am I really asking too much?
I called my OB's office Monday morning to ask if I could come in for blood work since my period was late and I had been having a few symptoms. I was feeling very fatigued, had lower back aches and strange cramping in my uterus, and was very nauseated on Sunday. I had taken at least 7 HPTs, all of which were negative, but was still holding out hope. I was beginning to think that since the OPKs never worked for me that there was a chance that the HPTs weren't either. So I had my blood drawn on Monday afternoon.
I knew the results would be in sometime Tuesday. I called first thing and was told the nurse would call me back. Tuesday morning I had a slight dip in my temp but it was still up, more or less. Of course I missed the nurse's call and she left a message wanting me to call her back. I assumed if it was good news she would have just left a message like I requested. I should have prepared myself at that point.
I finally was able to get ahold of her (after playing phone tag all day) around 2:30. She told me that while my hormones looked good (ha!) the pregnancy test came back negative. I wanted to cry at that moment but held it together because I had 17 third graders working away at their desks in my classroom. I called my husband to fill him in and finally told him I had to get off the phone or I was going to cry. I had a little over an hour of my day left before my students went home. I had at least two kids ask why my eyes were watery and the rest clearly knew something was up. I couldn't even get a sentence out to the secretary (wanting her to pass on to my principal that I needed to leave) before I started crying.
I came home and cried some more. Went to acupuncture, let me just say that I love my acupuncturist she's absolutely wonderful, where I cried some more, I cried on my way home, and on and off for the rest of the night until I finally fell asleep. I cried silently beside my husband this morning when I woke up as I realized that yes, yesterday did indeed happen and yes, I am still living in this nightmare.
This past weekend we bought some children's books for "the baby", I started making suggestions about when to start buying furniture, and we saw our first glimmer of hope that this might actually and finally be happening for us. With that I tortured myself further, discovering via an online due date calculator, that we would have been due on our 2nd anniversary. All the stars were aligned. What happened?
My period showed up today so it is officially over. We'll be working with the RE this month that we met for the first time a few weeks ago. As excited I am to move on, I am also very sad. I thoroughly enjoy my OB and would like to stay with her. We'll be doing an IUI this month which will mean much more time (and therefore stress) and much more money. Hopefully the end result will be a baby... Hopefully.
The last couple months I've felt pretty good. This month I've been extremely optimistic. Now I feel the same way I did a few months ago when I cried the entire way to work because I had a temperature dip. I still don't understand why this is happening to us. I don't understand what I did that is so horrible that I should feel like I'm being punished. As much as my husband wants a baby he also is ok not having one anytime soon. This makes me sad. I don't want us to have a baby because it's what I want. I don't want him to go forward with treatments and procedures just because it's what I want. I'm not saying he doesn't want this, he is simply ok if it takes longer than expected. But he's also informed me that while he can wait, he hates seeing me so upset and wants to move forward to the next step because of the way I'm feeling. I love him and I love that he doesn't want to see me hurt, but at the same time I want him to want this just as bad as I do.
The best way to describe it is that I feel like I've lost a baby. I know plenty of people would think I'm crazy and that is fine, but this is how I feel. I was already bonding with something that I never truly had. Once again, I'm grieving the loss of nothing.
Last night I got a text from a friend letting me know that he's here for me if I need him. As much as I love and appreciate this I was also frustrated. He can't possibly understand what I'm going through. We started trying before him and his wife and his baby is due in a little over 2 months.
My heart is broken right now. I'm sure I'll be fine in a few days, or at least I can hope that I will be. I'm ready to get off this emotional roller coaster and just bring home our baby. That's all I'm asking... Am I really asking too much?
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
October 15th, A Day of Loss
I read a post last night from another blog I follow, Petals Honoring Infant and Pregnancy Loses Today - October 15, and thought, "Huh, how ironic." Exactly three years ago on October 15th I lost my brother to depression. He took his own life and it's safe to say that our lives haven't been the same since.
I really appreciated that in My Hopeful Journey's blog post she mentioned that pregnancy loss includes those of us who haven't been able to achieve pregnancy because we have experienced loss, too. I can't explain how much that touched me and how much I truly appreciate being recognized as someone who has experienced loss. Of course I know my pregnancy "loss" isn't nearly as heartbreaking or devastating as someone's actual loss, but I still grieve.
Back to my initial reaction to the article. I had decided earlier this week that if my temp was still up and still hadn't seen AF then I would test Friday night... Then I realized Friday is the anniversary of my brother's death. So, naturally, I thought that this must have been part of his big plan all along. A way for me to no longer attach pain to October 15th, but instead remember it as a bitter-sweet day. A day for me to grieve and feel the pain of my brother's death but also remember it as the day that we first found out we were pregnant. I had convinced myself that Friday would be the day! And low and behold... It wasn't. Surprise, surprise. I tested again this morning and..... drum roll, please.... Still.... Negative. Actually, as negative as it can possibly get. I realize it's still too early to tell but my heart is breaking a little more with each negative test.
Perhaps tomorrow will bring good news.
I really appreciated that in My Hopeful Journey's blog post she mentioned that pregnancy loss includes those of us who haven't been able to achieve pregnancy because we have experienced loss, too. I can't explain how much that touched me and how much I truly appreciate being recognized as someone who has experienced loss. Of course I know my pregnancy "loss" isn't nearly as heartbreaking or devastating as someone's actual loss, but I still grieve.
Back to my initial reaction to the article. I had decided earlier this week that if my temp was still up and still hadn't seen AF then I would test Friday night... Then I realized Friday is the anniversary of my brother's death. So, naturally, I thought that this must have been part of his big plan all along. A way for me to no longer attach pain to October 15th, but instead remember it as a bitter-sweet day. A day for me to grieve and feel the pain of my brother's death but also remember it as the day that we first found out we were pregnant. I had convinced myself that Friday would be the day! And low and behold... It wasn't. Surprise, surprise. I tested again this morning and..... drum roll, please.... Still.... Negative. Actually, as negative as it can possibly get. I realize it's still too early to tell but my heart is breaking a little more with each negative test.
Perhaps tomorrow will bring good news.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Short, Sweet, and To The Point!
I had my cd 21 (technically 22) b/w last Friday. Normally I am counting down the seconds to Monday morning so I can call first thing and get my results. Shockingly, it didn't even cross my mind until last night after the office had closed. So I called today and my progesterone was a 22 (they look for a 15), which she said was a very good number. I was a little paranoid that it was lower than my levels last month but the nurse said that doesn't matter.
So now what, you ask. Well... We wait. You'd think that one would get better at "the wait" over time but quite frankly it still sucks and takes just as long as the first 2ww I ever found myself in! Argh!!!
AF would show up on either Thursday or Friday... So, if nothing by Friday night then I will definitely be taking a test and hoping for the best!!
Thinking positive baby thoughts for me!
Friday, October 8, 2010
Daddy is Dreamin'!
And by Daddy I actually mean "Daddy". I came home from a long day of work, followed by on ob-gyn appointment and blood work (I should know my progesterone levels on Monday when I called) and was really excited to spend a few minutes with my husband before he left for work for the night.
I was telling him about this really vivid, crazy and kind of sad dream I had early this morning and then he told me he had a dream today too! He dreamt that I was pregnant with twins!! :) (2 boys, if he remembered right) I said it must be a sign that we've both had dreams about twins!
I'm on cd 22... So... I should know by next weekend if we are finally pregnant or I'll be calling our RE to set up blood work appointments and finding out what our course will be for an IUI. I'm still hopeful that this is our month so I'm trying not to think about IF we we have to move on to an IUI... I'm just telling myself, "This is our month, this is our month!"
I was telling him about this really vivid, crazy and kind of sad dream I had early this morning and then he told me he had a dream today too! He dreamt that I was pregnant with twins!! :) (2 boys, if he remembered right) I said it must be a sign that we've both had dreams about twins!
I'm on cd 22... So... I should know by next weekend if we are finally pregnant or I'll be calling our RE to set up blood work appointments and finding out what our course will be for an IUI. I'm still hopeful that this is our month so I'm trying not to think about IF we we have to move on to an IUI... I'm just telling myself, "This is our month, this is our month!"
Friday, October 1, 2010
Things are looking up... I hope!
I'm still feeling hopeful this is our month. Last Friday (9/24)I had an HSG and my tubes and uterus looked great. I didn't have any blockage or build up at all. This was a relief but at the same time a little tiny bit frustrating. I think my husband and I were secretly hoping for a slight blockage that would be cleared out by the dye and therefor be the cause of us not conceiving up to this point. Then, in a perfect world, the dye would clear the blockage and we would get pregnant with ease. (I can hope, right?) I shouldn't complain, and believe me I'm not. I was ecstatic to hear that everything looked good and it wasn't as painful as I was expecting.
We also had our first appointment with an RE on Monday (9/27). I wanted to discuss with an RE what some next steps would be if this isn't our month. This is our fourth month of clomid, 50 mg, and the way I see it there's no point in continuing something that clearly isn't working. Luckily the doctor wants to move forward too, if this isn't our month. (Which I'm still hoping it is!!!!) He said that at some point, after 3 to 4 months of doing the same thing, it doesn't benefit us anymore than it did the previous month but instead the effectiveness begins to level off. The plan is to do an IUI next month if this isn't our month. If this isn't our month then I need to call on cd1 and set up an appointment to have blood work (and possibly an ultrasound, I think) on cd 2 or 3. They will do a few additional tests with the bw that I haven't had done yet. Then we'll continue to use the OPKs (assuming they work this month) and then when I have a LH surge I'll call and my husband will go in first and then I'll go in about an hour or two later... Welcome to modern day baby making!
I started acupuncture on Tuesday and will continue it weekly for the next few weeks. A lot of what I've been reading online and heard from other woman tends to point to acupuncture as a great treatment plan for infertility. I really like the lady that did my acupuncture work and look forward to working with her regularly. I also had a massage last week and one scheduled for next week. My plan is to destress as much as possible in hopes that it'll bring us what we've been waiting for! With all of these steps and the time I've had off for fall intercession the last 2 weeks I've been feeling really optimistic. My husband is saying he is really optimistic that this is our month, too. I'm hoping this is how he genuinely feels and that he's not just saying it to make me feel better. He said the cutest thing the other day. He was working on my car in the garage and I dropped in to see how it was coming and he goes, "Ya know, I was wondering, if we got pregnant this month, how far along would you be at Christmas?" He was thinking about how we could surprise our families with gifts at Christmas telling them that we are expecting. At that point I'd be about 3 months pregnant so it might be hard to keep it a secret until then, but it was definitely a fun thought! :)
I'm hoping this is our month. I know I'm going to be crushed if it isn't. I've felt very optimistic this month and for the first time in several months I've actually been excited about this whole process and been able to focus on the excitement that will come with our first positive pregnancy test. I've been thinking a lot lately about how I will surprise my husband. A few months ago I asked DH if he wanted me to wait until he came home from work to take a test and he suggested I go ahead so that I can surprise him if it's positive. I'm really looking forward to the day when I get to surprise him with such an exciting and long awaited BFP!
We also had our first appointment with an RE on Monday (9/27). I wanted to discuss with an RE what some next steps would be if this isn't our month. This is our fourth month of clomid, 50 mg, and the way I see it there's no point in continuing something that clearly isn't working. Luckily the doctor wants to move forward too, if this isn't our month. (Which I'm still hoping it is!!!!) He said that at some point, after 3 to 4 months of doing the same thing, it doesn't benefit us anymore than it did the previous month but instead the effectiveness begins to level off. The plan is to do an IUI next month if this isn't our month. If this isn't our month then I need to call on cd1 and set up an appointment to have blood work (and possibly an ultrasound, I think) on cd 2 or 3. They will do a few additional tests with the bw that I haven't had done yet. Then we'll continue to use the OPKs (assuming they work this month) and then when I have a LH surge I'll call and my husband will go in first and then I'll go in about an hour or two later... Welcome to modern day baby making!
I started acupuncture on Tuesday and will continue it weekly for the next few weeks. A lot of what I've been reading online and heard from other woman tends to point to acupuncture as a great treatment plan for infertility. I really like the lady that did my acupuncture work and look forward to working with her regularly. I also had a massage last week and one scheduled for next week. My plan is to destress as much as possible in hopes that it'll bring us what we've been waiting for! With all of these steps and the time I've had off for fall intercession the last 2 weeks I've been feeling really optimistic. My husband is saying he is really optimistic that this is our month, too. I'm hoping this is how he genuinely feels and that he's not just saying it to make me feel better. He said the cutest thing the other day. He was working on my car in the garage and I dropped in to see how it was coming and he goes, "Ya know, I was wondering, if we got pregnant this month, how far along would you be at Christmas?" He was thinking about how we could surprise our families with gifts at Christmas telling them that we are expecting. At that point I'd be about 3 months pregnant so it might be hard to keep it a secret until then, but it was definitely a fun thought! :)
I'm hoping this is our month. I know I'm going to be crushed if it isn't. I've felt very optimistic this month and for the first time in several months I've actually been excited about this whole process and been able to focus on the excitement that will come with our first positive pregnancy test. I've been thinking a lot lately about how I will surprise my husband. A few months ago I asked DH if he wanted me to wait until he came home from work to take a test and he suggested I go ahead so that I can surprise him if it's positive. I'm really looking forward to the day when I get to surprise him with such an exciting and long awaited BFP!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)